Exquisite Loneliness

I was just sitting listening to Barbra Streisand singing something from her Guilty album, and it reminded me of when I first moved to the US. When I first moved I had only a CD player and a few CD's to listen to. When I say a few I mean about 20. I also had a few Patricia Cornwell books to read. So I spent all my evenings, and every weekend, reading and listening to music. As a result, certain CD's evoke memories from that time.

The Barbra CD's in particular evoke a strange feeling in me that I have been at a loss to describe. It is a feeling that I enjoyed very much, but isn't one that I would want to revisit. Today I realised what that feeling was. It was Exquisite Loneliness! It was the first time in my life that I had felt truly alone. That no one was watching me, or even interested in what I was doing. I felt anonymous, insignificant, and completely free. Unless you know what it is like to live your life in the shadow of overbearing parents, who know more people in the town that you live in, than you can ever hope to know, you have no idea how wonderful it was to be that much alone.

I would never want to revisit that time because it was very difficult for many reasons, not least K and I were separated, and struggling to build our embryonic partnership that had very shaky foundations. In addition I had many many life lessons yet to learn. But I wouldn't change a thing, and now when I listen to Guilty, and remember how I felt for those first few months in the US, I appreciate how far I have come. I appreciate the lessons I learned, and most of all I appreciate that I was able to make the move away from the UK. A move that meant that although I was lonely and alone, I was always moving on towards today.